A change of scenery makes a big difference. I headed out of State College and into the city to spend some quality time with (and celebrate the upcoming marriage of...) my friends, Mike and Becky. That weekend a few of us went to get our dresses for the wedding and spent an afternoon talking over Yorkshire Breakfast Tea at Granny McCarthy’s. It’s the first time in a long time I felt I actually trusted myself to really engage in conversation with these friends (who I care about very deeply, but only get to see on rare occasions). As we sat and talked and enjoyed, I realized that the time (while incredibly well spent) didn’t fly at all. I was having one of the most viscerally engaging conversations I’d had in a while; I was so genuinely interested in the people I was with and in hearing about their lives that I unintentionally found myself taking in every detail of every moment of every minute. Of course it would have been nice to have more time, but I left feeling both full and fulfilled. It meant so much to me to have that afternoon with genuine friends who are all such remarkable people--the day served as a perfect reminder that some things in life are just more important than others. Celebrating for and with those you love unconditionally is one of the most beautiful things you can experience, and I can't imagine any good reason for letting yourself get in the way of that.
Since that time, I’ve had several major mishaps (including a stupidity-induced vacation from all my belongings upon locking myself out of my own apartment and a wishful-thinking-motivated parking job…followed by excursion to pick up my mistakenly towed car) along with several grand adventures (a rooftop run-away, a restaurant road trip, a relaxed roommate bonding session, self-prepared sushi, and a meaning of life Dunganette debrief). For the first time, I’m learning to live and breathe in these moments.
I’ve learned that it’s not worth the time and energy to try and think for or ahead of other people...they retain the right to make their own decisions autonomously and will exercise their ability to do so, whether or not you waste time trying to predict their actions and reactions. It’s not worthwhile to agonize over how to best handle a situation or how to perfectly phrase a message you’re trying to communicate, because the perspectives of all other people involved will differ relative to factors you can’t perceive or anticipate. No matter how hard you try to control the variables that dictate how people look at you, your outlook is bound to differ from theirs.
Read this sentence, and then look up. What did you see when you looked around? If you're around people, did you notice their nearness to you? Did you note what they're wearing on their bodies or in their faces? What about those things they're trying to hide from their faces? Did you notice their posture and presence? Did you think to notice their perspective? Were that person to look up at you from across the room...what would they see in and of you, as you sit there right now? If you're alone at home did you notice, in that second's cursory scan, every little thing that may be out of place? Likely not... What did you take note of? Would someone else have noticed these same things? What does this say about you?
{I know that you, ladies and gentlemen, have a philosophy, each and all of you, and that the most interesting and important thing about you is the way in which it determines the perspective in your several worlds.} -William James
My phrase of the month has been, "It's okay, I just need to get some perspective." This is what I tend to say when I'm trying to maintain a sense of realism and optimism, even when a lot is going on...good, bad, overwhelming, ridiculous, or otherwise. I suppose this is how I encourage myself to get a better sense of my place and my experience in the greater context of what's going on around me, or to better learn how to determine the relative importance of the abstract scenarios and circumstances that affect my life. I decided today, that I'm kidding myself and a lot of other people.
Consider a moment when you've been standing close to a mirror in the room. Looking at the reflection 6 inches in front of you is all well and good, but when you turn around you may come to find the room has much more depth than can simply be translated from the pane into an accurate representation of the space. Getting some perspective may simply involve taking a step back further from what you're looking at, so as to expand the context in which it exists in your mind (or at least to expand the window you're using as the basis for making assumptions about it). It may involve switching places with someone else in the room, to better see aspects of the architecture or landscape otherwise hidden from your current vantage point.
No matter how many different tiles you stand on, you're still going to see everything through the same lens--the one you take with you everywhere you go--which is perpetually and irreversibly tinted by the experiences, assumptions, prejudices, opinions, and values you've collected throughout your life (including the ones buried forever in the corners and crevices of your pockets, never again to resurface or be consciously remembered).
When you observe the world through a colored lens and then slide another differently colored lens in front of it, everything changes; certain items suddenly adopt a new prominence in the space, others become less pronounced...your interpretation of the relative significance of elements in the setting also changes, in turn. Perspective alone can't change your outlook; you need to allow and invite others to color your world.
The last month has forced me to reconsider my relationships with a lot of people and my place in the world; I've watched on as many of the closest people to me (the ones whose emotions I assume as my own because I love them so deeply and unconditionally) have had to deal with the most traumatic and difficult circumstances they've faced in a long while. Mid-dwelling on all of the upsets, dramas, traumas, and frustrations I wish I could fix for them, I was washing my hands and a guy sauntered into the bathroom--gaze straight ahead--said hey to the girl next to me...and then realized she was a girl. I saw his reflection walk in before he had even looked up from his paper...could've seen the awkward moment coming two tiles away. There was nothing to do but laugh. Why not?!
There's some perspective for you. It's not in your hands (washed or otherwise...). Little, stupid things happen. Big, (significant...but still) stupid things happen. Laugh. Really! Don't sweat the things you can't change, and don't complain about the things you won't change. Trust in others enough to invite them to color your world. Some people may not be worth trusting and you will get hurt; that's not for you or anyone else to predetermine. Others will want you to trust them, and will invite you to do it; don't allow your outlook to get in the way of this. It is a great shame when these people are taken for granted and discounted in this way...beautiful, profound, missed opportunities. Most importantly, trust yourself enough to be confident that you will be just fine (even if you decide to remove or overlook the effects of their lens somewhere down the road). If you trust deeply and sincerely enough you'll ensure that your interactions will be honest, meaningful, and full of all the vibrant color this world has to offer.
